(FANFARE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show
And introducing your hostesses for tonight..
- I'm Mary Maude. - I'm Christine Rodgers.
- I'm Frances Dean. - I'm Penny Brahms.
- I'm Joan Crane. - I'm Aimi MacDonald
and we're all lovely, aren't we?
- ALL: Yes. - But I'm the loveliest.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(MAN IN A BAD ITALIAN ACCENT): Let's learn the English.
Today as usual, we speak only the English.
Today, the tea party.
(VERY SLOWLY): I am a chartered accountant.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I am also a chartered accountant.
I am a chartered accountant, too.
I am a gorilla.
All four of us are chartered accountants.
Except me.
And we are having tea.
This...
is the sugar.
Sugar.
This is a cup of tea.
Cup of tea.
And this...
is a greenhouse.
I put the sugar into the cup
with the greenhouse...
- or "spoon". - Yes, spoon.
Or greenhouse.
What is it?
It is a spoon.
I am still a gorilla.
What are these?
These are surgical trusses.
No! They are not surgical trusses.
They are cakes.
King Alfred burnt the surgical trusses.
The cakes are on a plate.
The plate is on a trolley.
The trolley is on the table.
It also goes through windows.
(TROLLEY CRASHES)
The gorilla is cross with the wop producer
because the gorilla is underpaid.
If he were paid more, he might become a chartered accountant.
(CROCKERY CRASHES)
See how the gorilla pours hot tea on the accountants.
Lo! They are scalded.
The gorilla is a reasonable man
but he has been provoked.
(TABLE THUDS)
The gorilla is now happy to be a chartered accountant.
I am a chartered accountant.
I am also a chartered accountant.
I am a chartered accountant, too.
I am a chartered accountant...
but I'm thinking of becoming a gorilla.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
A lot of people have written in to ask if I really talk like this.
Well, I don't.
I put it on for the show.
This is what I really talk like, really. Do you know what I mean, darling?
(HE SHOUTS): Well, that's it. Quiet, quiet everyone.
Quiet boys, this is your headmaster speaking to you.
Quiet, please, parents!
Well, that's the end of the under 12 high jump
and now we're all going to have some tea in the marquee over there in a few moments.
Where's the marquee?
Why isn't the marquee up, Chaplain, why haven't you put the marquee up, man?
Where's the chaplain?
Where are you, man? Mr Gower's hunting the chaplain.
He's probably hiding in the chapel.
Tell him to hurry up or I'll confiscate his teeth again, right...
Now we're up there! You, boy! You boy! No, no, not you, boy.
The other boy. The boy who looks like and advertisement for Oxfam.
You boy! Dobbin, why haven't you got your sweater on, boy?
You're supposed to have your sweater on, boy, go and put it on!
No! Don't put it on there, Dobbin, go and put it on inside, properly.
Now, we're all going to wait here.
All the parents are going to wait here till Dobbin's put his sweater on.
Right, now you can have tea in a few moments
but not till Dobbin's come back with his sweater on.
(STILL SHOUTING): Right, well done. Ah! He'll come now in a few moments
when Dobbin... just before Dobbin comes back
I want to remind you all about the science block.
Will you get those casualties off the cricket square?
Hurry up, Chaplain. Now, I want to remind you about the science block.
I want to thank those parents who've contributed to it
and as for those who haven't made their contributions yet
I'd like to say, I've got a list of all their names here
and I'm going to read them out during tea.
Ah, there you are Dobbin. Well, done. Show your sweater to all the parents.
Dobbin, stop crying, boy!
Now... Dobbin! You've got your sweater on back to front!
Dobbin, go back in and put it on properly.
You're keeping 300 parents waiting, Dobbin. I'll teach you to be neurotic!
Ah, there you are, Chaplain. I can see you.
Why isn't the marquee up? Why haven't you cleaned the lavatories?
Why haven't you mended the window in the dining room and, uh...
and Chaplain, why haven't you got any clothes on?
Chaplain, you're nude, man! I'll teach you to come here nude!
All the parents look the other way. Look the other way, everybody.
Matron, look the other way! Not that way, Matron, the other one!
Ignore him. He's just having one of his fits.
Stop making those noises at the back of your throat, Chaplain.
- Keep away from the motorbike, Chaplain. - (MOTORBIKE ENGINE STARTS)
Keep away from the motorbike.
Careful everybody. The chaplain drives the motorbike rather fast...
- (MOTORBIKE ROARS) - ...especially when he's nude.
Stop riding the motorbike like that, Chaplain.
We're going to have tea in one or two moments, ladies and gentlemen.
(STILL SHOUTING): Ah, there you are Dobbin.
Come on in, Dobbin. Well done, Dobbin.
You've got your sweater on the right way round.
Jolly good, Dobbin. Mind the motorbike, boy.
Be careful of the motorbike. Look out for the chaplain on the bike, oh!
Bad luck, Dobbin. Jolly bad luck!
Tea everyone. Tea!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
- And so our panto ends. - It's time for bed.
- The babes are safe. - The wicked baron's dead.
The lovers are united. All is well.
And so a song from Jacqueline Rochelle.
(MUSIC: "ADELE'S LAUGHING SONG" FROM "DIE FLEDERMAUS" BY J. STRAUSS Il)
(IN OPERA STYLE): # Oh, no but sir #
# How you err #
# You're really not discreet #
# Therefore my advice #
# Is that you look twice #
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Alright, Bugsy Fitz de Wald.
We know you're in there!
We've got the place surrounded so don't try anything!
We're giving you just two minutes to come out!
- You'll never get me! - (GUNFIRE)
Hold your fire! Hold your fire, men!
Gotta take him alive!
Hold your fire. Bugsy...
it'll go easier for you if you give yourself up.
Well, are you coming out?
(GUNFIRE)
Bugsy, Bugsy. This is Father O'Conlan. Can you hear me, my boy?
Go away, Father!
No, Bugsy, I'm coming in for you.
Go away, Father! This is no place for a priest.
Stand back, Father. Let's smoke him out, men.
Keep me covered, I'm going round the back.
(GUNFIRE)
Alright, I'm coming out!
(LADY CONTINUES SINGING)
Alright, stand back or the girl gets it!
(SHE CRIES)
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
CHOIR MASTER: Right, two minutes break.
See the play on telly last night, did you?
Aye, one of those modern so-called plays.
No story, no plot, no ending.
Just a load of morons sitting about jabbering about nothing.
Aye, real life drama, they call it. Real life drama, my foot!
You don't get people in real life just sitting about jabbering about nothing.
Course you don't.
Real life drama. Everything they say in those plays they repeat.
- ALL: Aye. - Everything they say in those plays
- they repeat. - ALL: Aye.
- SINGER: Ridiculous. - Aye, ridiculous.
Do they think in real life people repeat everything they say? I ask you.
Do they think that in real life people repeat everything they say? I ask you.
Over and over again.
- Aye, over and over again. - Over and over again.
I mean, you don't get people in real life saying the same thing over and over again.
- Not over and over again. - Not in real life.
Do you know, in some of those plays I've seen
they repeat the same thing three times!
- Three times, they repeat the same thing! - SINGER: Get off.
They will repeat the same thing three times!
You know, last night...
Last night, they re-bloody-peated the same bloody thing four times.
Re-bloody-peated the same thing four times.
Aye, four times, aye.
I mean, they're not trying to tell us that sort of thing happens in real life.
- ALL: No. - Call that entertainment?
(THEY REPEAT "BORING REPETITION" OVER EACH OTHER)
(ORGAN NOTE SOUNDS)
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah, hallelujah #
# Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
And now, I'd like to tell a joke.
The producer promised me I could.
There was this vicar with a wooden leg.
Oh, no. Wait a moment. He wasn't a vicar.
He was a... he was a...
oh, I can't remember but it doesn't matter
because it doesn't make any difference to the story.
Anyway, he went into a...
oh, he was a pirate.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Or a vicar...
Anyway, he said to this waiter
"Do you serve shrimps?"
And the waiter said
"if I could walk this way, I wouldn't need talcum powder".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Perhaps I told it wrong, but it's terribly funny, really.
And now...
(GONG SOUNDS)
(THEY BLUSTER)
Uh, let's sit here shall we?
Right, right. good idea.
(THEY BLUSTER)
- Uh, where's the waiter. - Where are they? Little Chinese fellas.
- Where are they? - China men!
Eight hundred million of 'em
and you can never find one when you want one.
- Ah! - Ah, there's one.
We want a menu, please. We want to order.
- You know, menu? Honourable menu? - Ah, ha.
What's he writing? No, no!
No, no. We want to order.
We want to order, you see. We want the menu so that we can order.
(WAITER MUTTERS)
No, look, no. We want a menu so that we can order.
We want to order.
- Hoida! - Yes!
Hoida, hoida.
- Oh, no. Wait. - Oh no. Come back little Chinese gentleman.
Oh, we want a menu.
- We want a menu. - We want a menu!
We want a menu.
- We want... - Oh, thank you very much.
He's not Chinese, is he?
Doesn't look Chinese.
That's what I was getting at.
Um, excuse me. Do you speak English?
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Ah...
I can't make out whether he's speaking English or Chinese with a heavy accent.
- Oh, English! - English?
- You speak English, ah! - All speak.
Ah, splendid, splendid. Well...
Now, we want a 30
and a 26.
- A 30 and 26... - Right.
- ...Is 56. - Good God, he's adding them together.
No, no. We want them separately.
- 30 and 26. Separately. - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- We want sweet and sour pork. - Sweet and sour pork.
- Bamboo shoots. - Bamboo shoots.
- And spare ribs. - And spa hee?
- Spa hee, yes. - Yes, spare ribs, you know...
- Ah, spa hee! - Spare ribs, jolly good. Splendid.
Hoida.
Uh, what's this?
Hoida. Hoida soup.
Oh, no we didn't order this. Uh, we just wanted to order.
- Hoida. - No, order.
We... wanted... to... order.
- Oh, two hoida. - Right.
Oh! No!
No, we don't want any hoida at all.
- We just want the spare ribs. - Spare ribs.
- Ah, spare ribs. - Spa-hee.
No, no, no. That's not spare ribs, that's a telephone.
You can't eat that.
- You can't eat it. - No eat spa-hee.
Spa-hee for hello, hello.
No, eat, no.
- Yes, it's a telephone. - It's a telephone.
Tele-for, ah!
Where have you gone?
- Two hoida! - No, no. I'm awfully sorry.
We don't want any hoida at all. You see.
It was just that originally, we had required a menu
- for ordering. - Four hoida.
No!
- No, we don't... - Where's he gone?
Four hoidas! That...
that means we're going to have seven hoidas.
Seven hoida!
No!
Tele-for.
That's... That's a Wellington boot.
Look, what we wanted... We wanted a 36
- on the menu, a 36. - Where is the menu?
- Thirty-six. - Yes.
Thirty-six.
Thirty-six hoida.
No, no, please come back.
- Don't bring us any more... - Thirty-six!
(INDISTINCT COMMOTION)
- We didn't want all these. - (INDISTINCT ARGUING)
Oh, calamity!
Oh, dear!
Our food's not much good, but the atmosphere is rather special.
(DRUMROLL)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
- Look, Australia. - Yes.
Funny, doesn't look like Australia!
No.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good evening, tonight we take a look at bee keeping.
And with me in the studio, is a man who has been keeping bees
for over 40 years. Mr Dermot Staybaker.
- Good evening, Mr Staybaker. - Good evening.
What was it first interested you in the bee world, Mr Staybaker?
Well, uh...
Even as a child
- I used to wonder around the fi... - Shh.
I'm sorry, shouldn't I have said that?
Oh, no. Of course you should. Please pay no attention when I say "shh".
It's just a nervous habit I picked up.
If I want you to be quiet I shall say "shush".
I see. Well...
Even as a small child
- I use to wander around the fi... - Shh!
Sorry. I used to wander round the fields watching the bees
- fly from flower to flower... - Shh!
...and taking notes of the flowers
- that they visited. - Shush!
- Was that wrong? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I say "shush" I meant "shh".
Do carry on, it was very interesting.
And I have grown to love the little creatures.
Nature really has produced a little masterpiece
in the life... - (HE SQUAWKS)
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid that's another of my nervous habits.
I squawk every time someone mentions the word "life".
I... l... (HE SQUAWKS)
Even when I do it myself.
I'm sorry, I should have told you. Do carry on.
Yes, well. As we all know, bees are divided into different categories.
- Shh! - There is the queen bee and the worker bee
- whose life... - (HE SQUAWKS)
...living expectancy...
- is only one year. - Shh!
The queen bee, on the other hand
- has a much longer... - Shush!
- You want me to stop? - Yes, you were about to say "life".
(HE SQUAWKS)
- No I wasn't. - Oh, I'm sorry. Do carry on.
- And the queen bee has a much longer life... - (HE SQUAWKS)
Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. You're getting me rattled.
Shh!
- Queen bee stays at home in the hive... - Shh!
...and the worker bee flies around from flower to flower...
- Shh! - ...collecting the pollen and...
(EXPLOSION)
What's happened?
Don't worry, don't worry. Um, I'm the producer.
I'm awfully sorry, I'm afraid the interviewer has exploded.
Um, he explained to us that he would explode
if anyone mentioned the word "pollen".
- Oh, I see. - I suppose it was rather a risk
letting him interview a beekeeper
Oh, well. That's life.
(HE SQUAWKS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Last week my dance was so successful
that this week, the director has commissioned me to do a ballet
which I have staged, devised, choreographed,
and created the costumes for myself.
And it stars me, of course
with my entire corps de ballet.
It's entitled...
"Spring Comes To Lovely Aimi MacDonald."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - This is the premier.
Right, corps? One, two...
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
(PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY)
That's all I've worked out so far.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MUSICIANS WARM UP)
The last item on our programme
is a traditional English song
conducted by Mr Robert Leaper.
(APPLAUSE)
The soloist, Mr John Cleese.
(INTRODUCTION FROM ORCHESTRA AND CHOIR)
# I've got a ferret #
# sticking up my nose #
CHOIR SINGS: # He's got a ferret #
# sticking up his nose #
# How it got there, I can't tell #
# but now it's there, it hurts like hell #
# And what is more, it radically #
# affects my sense of smell #
CHOIR: # Hs sense of smell #
# I can see a bare-bottomed #
# mandril #
(VIOLIN PLAYS SOLO)
# Slyly eyeing his other nostril #
# I really don't know what to do #
# But if he jumps inside there, too #
# I shall be the proud possessor of #
# a kind of nasal zoo #
CHOIR: # A nasal zoo #
# I've got a ferret #
# sticking up my nose #
(TROMBONES PLAY)
# And what is worse #
# it constantly explodes #
# "Ferrets don't explode" you say #
# but it happened nine times yesterday #
# And I should know #
# for each time I was standing in the way #
CHOIR: # Right in the way #
# He's got a ferret #
# sticking up his nose #
(TUBULAR BELLS DING)
# it starts singing #
# when I wear my formal clothes #
# He could almost stand the noise #
# but at parties it destroys #
# his hard-earned and carefully cultivated social poise #
(ORCHESTRA CRESCENDOS)
# He's got a ferret #
# sticking up his nose #
# He's got a ferret #
# sticking up his nose #
# How it got there, I can't tell #
# but now it's there it hurts like hell #
# and what is more, it radically #
# affects my sense of... #
# smell #
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(ORCHESTRA RESUMES)
# I've got a ferret #
# sticking up my nose #
# I've got a ferret #
# sticking up my nose #
# How it got there, I can't tell #
# But now it's there it hurts like hell #
# And what is more, it radically #
# affects my sense of... #
# smell #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)